On this steamy autumn day, the quad is like paradise with a crunch.
I start to wake up, enough that I remove myself once again.
I suppose that's where it all begins. It always starts and ends in the same place, with the same person. Me. That's what it's about, right? Meeee. I am all I know, and much has been pointed out to me today. I can tell myself I'm strong or that I'm above something or below it... someone can be prettier, I can be so weak, I'm part of it all and never close enough... Whine whine whine, of course it's all about me. This is another stupid fucking entry involving stupid fucking self-exploration and discovery because I'm a 20 yr old female in college who does stupid shit and pretends that drama is even worth thinking about.
I mean, I'm not really worth talking to. My friends are right, those that have even bothered sticking around for the not-so-exciting conclusion of Caitlin... I really suck. I seriously go about life expecting that people want to get to know me better, and if they don't WELL THEY SHOULD, right? But how pathetic am I? I run from the very idea of friendship. I am a downright shitty, shitty friend! I can kick around and cry and curl up and sleep it off, but it doesn't go away. It doesn't stop. I can feel good about myself, but I am giving nothing. Ultimately, there isn't anything worth feeling good about then. Don't fucking tell me I'm a good person! I seriously am not worth the effort.
I live to entertain. As long as people are around laughing or smiling or just thinking "Dear God what kind of crack does this girl smoke?" I'm happy. Seriously, I can't give the kids what they want, but I can make sure that they're not entirely bored. Even this act is selfish - I entertain myself. My grades will reflect that I'm opinionated and people don't generally appreciate certain levels of unique opinion... but at least they're temporarily entertained, whether they hate me or not. I get called frustrating, naturally. I'm not phased by that. And at the same time, I don't think I'm the victim. I don't have a stupid "get back at the world" complex at all. I at least have enough respect for myself to not take ridiculous advantage of people.
Unless I do...
After all, the minute anyone approaches me, I'll talk about one of two things: 1) my stupid petty bullshit drama or 2) stupid nihilistic philosophical issues.
And let's be serious... nobody gives a damn about either, and who in their right mind would?
Or maybe that's the problem.
I'm not in my right mind... ever.
I mean, people really do think I'm nuts. I guess that must be it then. I'm really fucking crazy.
Or worse... people think "eh, she's got issues, she's going through what everyone else goes through when they're this age. If that's insanity, then insanity is the norm."
Caitlin the AgeGroup, that's me. Obsessing about myself and my learning and growing experience in a really fucking stupid online journal that I've made publicly available in hopes that somebody might read it and fucking care!
HOW DARE I!
Why do I waste my time on this? Is this me reaching out? Well...
Another selfish act.
I should use this to apologize to anybody who gave a damn to make it this far.
I'm sorry I suck. I really, really suck. And if I were at all a better person, I'd mean my apology. But I'm not a good person.
And here I am saying other people suck or don't care or aren't trying. But fuckin' eh, this is my fault. I don't deserve anything. I just don't deserve anything.
So last resort: philosophy. Again and again everyone fucking talking about Nietzsche and why he hates pity, Pity as the virtue of whores, Will to Power, so misunderstood... Neighbor-hating, Misogynistic, Syphillitic Nietzsche. And don't feel bad for me and my stupid fucking REALLY FUCKING STUPID fucking life. Nietzsche wouldn't have it. I can sink back into a stupid philosophical attempt-at-post-nihilism 20 yr old (I keep copping out with that) place.
Excusing myself because afterall, isn't this how life is?
Wah wah wah, I must be a fucking brat. But what used to be sadness... well couldn't I turn that into apathy? I've become so good at apathy! I'll write off friendships right and left because after all, people aren't worth dick, now are they? I know I'm not, why should anyone else be? We're all so damn expendable, right?
Why do I bother?
Why do I care?
Campaign bumper stickers make me yawn.
I shouldn't pretend anything matters.
It probably really doesn't.
When I think myself into a tizzy, it's usually later at night. My head will spin until I sleep or die. I usually gracefully fall asleep first. But here it is, a gorgeous crunchy, drippy day, and I'm inside saying FUCK THE WORLD.
Why do I need people? I can't fight it... but where are my friends?
What did I do to become this awful? How many people did I think were good friends that would probably say "Caitlin? Yeah, she's alright."
How many people do I hardly know that want to consider me a good friend?
Fuck it, I can't keep track. As long as nobody cares, I just can't do it anymore myself. At least it was blatantly pointed out to me today where my problems come from.
Me, because I suck.
Thank you, voice of reason. Fuck you, fuck the truth, and fuck this stupid fucking mess that I've become.
(And with every word I pound out, I design the seal for my fate. How dare things be any other way. There you have it, indeed.)